Welcome to Max, Rich and James's crazy 'Words of Wisdom' homepage! Yes,
we have finally been released from sombre isolation by the government and
have published our famed 'Words of Wisdom' on the net for all to take heed of.
Below you will find the dememted souls' guide to life. Follow our tips and you'll never
think your life dangerous again...
1. Never cycle through a river.
2. Avoid daytime television.
3. Never stand behind an elephant.
4. Do not drink parafin on bonfire night.
5. Never eat anything that is a: moving, b: still moving, or c: going green around the edges.
6. Spontaneous human combustion is not recomended for amateurs.
7. Never stick your fingers in an electrical socket, a toaster, or even a blender for that matter.
8. No matter how they may be marketed, do not use indoor baraques indoors, unless, of course, the property belongs to a huge alchemical corporation.
9. No, dog does NOT taste good.
10. No matter what they tell you, you are not immortal.
11. Avoid 'house', 'garage' and 'garden shed' music.
12. A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. Unfortunately, so are younger siblings.
13. Road kill does NOT taste good.
14. Never trust anyone selling penguin meat.
15. Never trust anyone with the surname 'Herring' even if there initial is 'R'
16. If a little man moves into your little finger then it is time for you to move out.
17. Yes, there is such a thing as 'Forensic Science'.
18. When your dog starts asking you for things it is time to see a psychiatrist.
19. Never dress up as Guy Fawks, especially around November.
20. Never play with knives, matches or chandeliers.
21. Never light a camp fire inside your tent, even if you cut a chimney in the roof, or if you are on a D of E expedition.
22. Never eat sea urchins.
23. Do NOT ride a chicken in a no chicken riding zone.
24. Never eat bears in the state of Florida.
25. If your computer keeps disconnecting you from the net, punching it WILL NOT relieve your stress.
26. Breaking chocolate Easter eggs on your forehead is NOT a wise idea.
27. Never trust anyone who wears flip-flops.
28. Never eat matches, especially if there is some fire on one end.
29. For the sake of humanity, never call your pet hamster 'Hammy'.
30. Debating is for people with strange ideas about life.
31. Never stand in a building marked 'Danger Demolition'.
32. Never ride a xylaphone at more than 50mph, even on a British motorway.
33. Never upset a constipated elephant.
34. Jelly babies are evil. They are secretly planning to take over the world. (So eat them all before they succeed).
35. Never feed James 'Sprite' fizzy drinks.
36. Chat show hosts should be shot at dawn, every dawn.
* * *
37. Death may be, in some cases, fatal.
38. Only attempt to fly if you have wings.
39. Be warned, impailing is often sticky.
40. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
41. Never leap frog over a unicorn.
42. Despite what you may think, sheep do actually expand in the rain.
43. If you ever explore you mind, make sure you leave a note saying where you have gone.
44. Nuclear physics is remarkably boring.
45. Quake 3 induced trances can be very dangerous.
46. Be warned, the less you want to do something the more you have to talk about it.
47. Never forgot 'eutrophication', you never know when it might come in useful.
48. Exercise: If you're healthy then you don't need it, if your ill then you shouldn't take it.
49. OCR is a secret mental assylum.
50. Pistachio nuts can mess you up.
* * *
51. The light at the end of the tunnel is actually the headlights of the oncomming train.
52. Being sprayed with a CO2 fire extinguisher is very cold. So be sure to wear gloves.
53. Shredies and Tie are like TNT and Fire: you never put one near the other.
54. Sheep are evil, you can see it in their eyes...
55. Vibrating phones.
56. Head and shoulders, a receipe to disaster.
These are the voices of experience, believe us.
Well, to be precise, not all our own experience, the following (slightly odd) people donated wise words: Lauren Bishop, Nick Luder, Jen Wilson, Phil Cobley, Simon Fuller, Sam Layton, Keira Glanville, Matt Rickard and Fio Keeble Thanks people! We think...
As we are all totally mad, we would welcome any more suggestions for words of wisdom that you might have. E-mail Rich with your ideas: console_junkie@hotmail.com and you might just see your advice appear on this very page! Not that we can promise instant celebrity status or anything...
This site was made in loving memory of Joseph Churcher.
